


Broken Like Me

by PhoenixStar73



Series: Coming Undone [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Angst, Boys In Love, Canon Fix-It, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Izzy is the ultimate Malec shipper, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, POV Alec Lightwood, POV Magnus Bane, Post-Episode: s02e08 Love is a Devil, Self-Destructive Tendencies, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Ideation, canon compliant but it also diverges slightly in terms of timeline and when certain events occur, coming undone, everyone is a mess, friends coming together in times of need, learning to forgive oneself, references Bound by Blood s02e09, references Jocelyn's death, referencing Episode s02e04 Day of Wrath, something's gotta give
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-11-22 15:36:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20876585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixStar73/pseuds/PhoenixStar73
Summary: Canon divergent. Because I didn't feel like the show explored Alecs feelings in depth which made him jump off the roof.In the wake of the demon wreaking havoc during Max's Rune ceremony, and Alec's almost jumping off the roof, tensions run high.  Alec just wants to be left alone.  No, he does not want to talk about it, and he's pushing everyone away, including Magnus.  He has an Institute to run.  It's business as usual at the New York Institute, and everything is in order.  Even as the rest of Alec's life starts to fall apart at the seams...**triggers for depression, suicidal tendencies, self-destructive tendencies.**ORIGINAL follow-up toPoint of No Return(link), but can be read as a stand-alone fic. Canon divergent season 2 episode 8





	1. Delaying the Inevitable

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nadja_Lee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/gifts).

> This fic arose from a comment made by June Hodge on the fic,[Point of No Return](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20799254) (link)-- she had been wondering if I was going to write a followup to Alec's fateful leap off the rooftop, both of which were certainly not addressed adequately on the show. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope I did this justice.

“Alec, we need to talk.”

The Head of the New York Institute looked up from his work, to meet six pairs of concerned eyes. Isabelle Lightwood, Jace Wayland, and Clary Fairchild.

Well actually, Clary did not actually count, since he still did not really regard her as a real Shadowhunter. But alas, Jace was into her, so of course she was there.

“What’s going on?” Alec inquired. “I don’t recall organizing a meeting.”

“No,” Izzy stated firmly. “This is a meeting for you, big brother. We are staging an intervention.

“An inter-what?” Alec stated, flabbergasted. “Uh Izzy, this isn’t really the time, or place –“

“So when will it be a good time, big brother?” Izzy’s dark eyes flashed. “Not even two weeks ago, you threw yourself over the rooftop at Magnus’s. And ever since then, you have been avoiding all of us. Ghosting. Throwing yourself into work.”

Izzy did not mince words. 

Alec tried not to cringe outwardly, instead attempting to maintain his stoic facade.

“That was the demon who did that, the spell we were all under. You guys were all there, remember? It was *not* me,” Alec stated coldly, yet inwardly starting to feel uneasy. “Also we have had a full plate, with Shax demons on the loose, as you all should know by now." 

The sarcasm at the end of that sentence was an understatement. Somehow those demons just knew to hit at a tumultous time in New York, and of course when his emotions were all jumbled.

"Alec," he heard Clary begin in a soft voice, and her hand reached out to hold his arm gently.

He could not look at her.

"Don't you have assignments today?" he found himself asking, not in his usual snarky tone that he used with her.

He raised his eyes to look at her, and found a empathetic gaze directed back at him. 

She held his gaze for a moment, then nodded. "Okay, Alec," she said. "But --"

He had already turned away, and shifted his glance to the pile of papers, avoiding all their eyes, especially that of his parabatai, Jace, who could literally look into his soul and know something was amiss. 

He felt as if the walls of the room were closing in, and the carefully constructed façade was going to crack any second. 

He had been doing so well these past couple of days -- well, at least he had thought so, as far as the Clave and the New York Institute was concerned. He had been doing overtime, and earning praise from the Consul and Inquisitor alike. 

He would catch Izzy giving him glances from out of the corner of his eye, but he had been successful in ducking right at those moments, and then the awkwardness would disappear, if only for the moment.

At home, it was a different story. 

Lately, he has had trouble at times looking Magnus in the eye – just knowing that he had saved him that night, had seen him hit rock bottom like that.

Magnus was always around, and of course, ever patient. He was wonderful about giving him space, as much time as he needed. Not questioning why or what. 

And so they have not talked. 

In fact, they have not interacted much at all. 

True, they still slept in the same bed together, ended their “Good nights” with a kiss, and even sell physically intimate with one another. 

But it had started to become incredibly awkward, as the silence hung in between them, with words that needed to be said.

Gradually, the silences became more and more uncomfortable.

And Alec, he felt a mixture of sadness at the change in this part of their interaction with each other. But he also felt relief, at not having to talk about what had transpired. 

He himself was not even sure if he was ready. 

But he always felt the warlock’s searching and questioning gaze upon him, at his back after he hurriedly said a quick goodbye after a peck on the lips as he rushed out to the Institute in the mornings, or him going upstairs on the roof to practice his aim shortly after coming back from the Institute at night, after a quick kiss to Magnus.

It was those nights where he stood – ironically, given that it had been in that very spot that Alec had initiated stepping onto the ledge that night all those days ago. 

Regardless, all he knew was that taking deep breaths of the cool night air, while firing arrows out into the clear night made him feel grounded than he had felt in days.

And so he did not have to think about what made him step off the ledge like that. He knew that the demon’s spell, as Magnus had so articulated, “only feeds into what was already there in the first place.”

He knew that the guilt over the ease that the demon had possessed him still lingered in the air, and that killing Jocelyn would be something he would never be able to forgive himself for doing.

He still did not know exactly what really happened that night after he stepped off the ledge. Everything had seemed so hazy, but leaning and falling off the roof had seemed like the only rational thing to do. Everything had gone out of focus, and he had blacked out --- his last thoughts being of Magnus. 

When he had regained consciousness, he had found himself lying down on one of the lounge chairs on the roof, with everyone looking at him with concern and pity. 

Magnus had not been around, at least not immediately. 

He had come up awhile later, with refreshments, and a special warlock brew for Alec to drink. The drink had made Alec feel much better. Magnus had had a look of concern and love on his face. 

That was what Alec had needed at that very point in time. 

But as the days went by, it just seemed like things appeared more and more awkward with their interactions, with Magnus always looking like he was about to say something, but then he would smile or change the subject.

His glamoured brown eyes were always looking his way, asking him silently if he was okay. 

Sometimes even shiny and glistening, as if there were tears that threatened to but never quite spilled.

And Alec, not ready to talk about anything, but not being able to *stand* that tearful look, would just ultimately make an excuse to run away, to do anything, but talk. 

The gaze was enough to almost make him come undone.

Magnus did not deserve to be so unhappy, he thought miserably. 

_ And it was all because of him. _

Not that it affected their ability to have sex. If anything, he thought wryly, even if their relationship suffered drama time and time again, that was always the one area where they did not have issues. 

The night following the incident, Magnus and him had met in a clash of passionate kisses and tumbles in golden sheets, biting and sucking and clutching at one another with abandon, as if they never wanted to let each other go. 

Alec had sobbed during the climax, as he never thought he would ever feel that intensely again.

It was a sharp contrast to the present.

While they still had sex every other night, there was something missing, as if either of them were holding back on something. 

So, while they still experienced the release, somehow it always ended up unfulfilled.

Even the last time, after they had finished and were lying back in bed, not really talking to one another, Alec had sighed quietly, as tears fell onto his pillow.

He had no idea how to bring things back to the way they were.

And so he had decided to stay at the Institute for the last three nights, just to sort out his jumbled feelings.

He knew that Magnus had been surprised and hurt at his decision, but he had quietly accepted it in the end.

After all, Magnus knew he needed space, right? 

“Magnus,” he heard Izzy suddenly say. The two others with her monetarily turned away from Alec to focus on the tall solemn figure who had walked into the office. 

“Isabelle,” Magnus said in a voice which was missing his normal jovial tone.

The smile that he put forth did not reach his eyes. 

Alec, as usual, immediately honed in onto the warlock.

Only to the trained eye could see that the kohl eyeliner and makeup was slightly smudged. 

And the clothing…he was wearing a brocade jacket with silver buttons…but was that the maroon silk shirt peeking through, the one slit down to the navel? The one that perfectly revealed most of his chest? 

And was that residual glitter on his neck and overdone mohawk, and a touch of glitter left under his eyes?

A bit unkempt, as if he had been out all night. Outfit-wise, this was what Magnus used to wear when he used to frequent Pandemonium, when he was on the hunt, so to speak, with his *game* and his flirtatious persona on full blast, designed to obliterate anyone or anything that was on target.

Alec had experienced that first hand, when it had all began between them. 

But ever since he and Alec had started dating, everything – flirting, clothing, glitter, abundance of clothing baring muscular skin -- had calmed down, toned down.

Until today.

Alec knew that he used his clothing and makeup as armor.

As good as those were, they could not hide his true emotions, which lay in his eyes and smile.

Magnus seemed cold and uncomfortable. This was *not* _his _Magnus. 

Usually Magnus would take effort to reglamour himself so he was impeccable and perfect. Not today though.

It was *clear* he was otherwise engaged last night.

Alec wondered what Magnus had been doing these past couple of days.

There had been none of the usual texts, checking up on him, wondering how he was.

He wondered again what had been keeping him that busy. 

_Or who?_ his irrational jealous part of his mind added, threatening to unravel his composure.

_Well, could you blame him? _his brain screamed at him, thoughts of self-hate seeping into his consciousness. After all, you did walk out of the loft, of your own accord. And did not call or go back. What did you expect him to do? 

Even without the outfits and adornments, he was a presence that everyone gravitated to, boyfriend or no boyfriend.

Alec suddenly felt like something stabbed him in the gut, and he gasped from the intensity as the emotional pain hit him.

“Hello, Alec,” Magnus said politely, devoid of emotion. “How’s work? Did you get everything done you were supposed to do last night? Did you need me to portal any extras, I can certainly move the majority of your things back to your room at the Institute, as the day progresses. just give me the word.” 

The clipped tones in his voice, devoid of any musicality or warm, was jarring. 

Alec winced at the use of the name, along with the insinuation that Magnus was volunteering to move his things back.

“As far as work goes, it’s as much as I’ll ever done, I suppose. It never ends,” he finished lamely. 

_So it isn’t Alexander, anymore?_ He wondered sadly. 

“As for the extras, you can do whatever you want, it’s fine by me,” he stated stoically. He dipped his head, closing his eyes to prevent the tears from flowing out. 

Under the desk, his fists clenched so tightly, his fingernails dug into his palm.

The tension in the room was so thick, one could cut it with a knife. 

An uncomfortable silence followed.

Izzy, Jace, and Clary looked at one another, visibly uncomfortable.

“Magnus, I need your help with a case in the lab,” Izzy said suddenly, taking hold of the warlock’s arm.

Magnus looked surprised but did not argue.

Nodding stiffly at Alec, he let Izzy lead him out of the room.

Alec just stared at his retreating back as he left. His mind was blank, and his emotions raged within him. 

I’m losing him, Alec realized. 

That very thought made him suck in his breath as he choked back a sob. 

As emotions threatened to engulf him, both of his hands just shoved all the paperwork on his desk onto the floor.

And he put his head in his hands, sighing with frustration.

*****************************

Izzy, with her arm still hooked through Magnus’s arm, strode quickly down the hall. 

“Jace, Clary, I’ll see you both in a bit,” he stated, and quickly she steered Magnus into a an empty room.

“We aren’t going to the lab?” Magnus asked, surprised. “Because, if not, I rather have some important warlock business to attend to ---”

“Oh, don’t warlock business me,” Izzy huffed. “I know you better than that.” 

Magnus blinked. 

Wow, she had seen through his façade. I guess there’s a first time for everything, he mused. 

He sighed, crossing his arms against his chest as he leaned against the wall.

“Okay, Isabelle, what do you _think_ you know?” he said, trying to maintain his composure.

“What’s going on with you and my brother?” she asked curiously. “He is acting completely off…and he also slept here for the past three nights. And then_ you_ come in this morning, acting all _that_. I also have not seen you dress like this in forever. And the glitter! It’s like this is either your fuck-me outfit or a come-hither flirty outfit, along with the hair! In fact it resembles what you were wearing when we first talked to you at Pandemonium. So, I mean, I hope it is neither, or else I really think I need to kick your ass.”

Magnus just stared at her, after she had made her declaration. 

Izzy stared back, in protective little sister mode. Her expression slowly turned from tense to horrified, as she watched Magnus crumple. His eyes were suddenly brimming with tears.

“I just needed to blow off some steam,” he said, his voice shaking, “It’s been really rough at home.” 

Izzy raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that, “Magnus added crossly. “I have been going out to Pandemonium to drown my sorrows in vodka and the music, on my own. I would not betray your brother like that. I’m not Camille, by any means.”

Izzy breathed a sigh of relief. 

Magnus’s next words shocked her.

“I don’t think he wants me anymore,” he muttered sadly, his voice cracking at the end. “It’s felt all wrong ever since that night. We don’t talk, everything feels off. He’s always running off in the mornings, or coming home late and then he heads up to the roof every night and spends hours there. We just don’t communicate anymore, and I do not know how much longer I can deal with this. Even when we are intimate, we are not connecting in the way we used to. ” 

He put his head in his hands as he sobbed, shaking all over.

“Oh, Magnus,” Izzy breathed, embracing him. “No, I don’t think that’s it at all. Alec_ loves_ you. He _does._”

“So why did he do it?” came Magnus’s muffled voice as he buried his head in her shoulder, sniffling.

“That’s what we are trying to find out,” she said gently. “However, Alec has to want to talk with us. Unfortunately this isn’t something we can make him do.”

Magnus pulled away slightly, and sighed loudly. He closed his eyes. “And here I thought I was someone that he could trust, trust enough to confide in,” he murmured.

Izzy put a hand on his shoulder. “You are, you are,” she reassured him. “But some things are just much bigger than us, and we just cannot do it alone.” 


	2. Remnants of a Shattered Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izzy has decided that enough is enough...time for the craziness to stop and see how much everyone is hurting...and how they are inadvertently hurting one another.

It was two days later that Izzy found Alec sitting by the steps in front of the Institute, his shoulders slumped and lost in thought.

Izzy carefully approached him, and sat down.

Alec didn't even look up.

"Hey Izzy," he said in a monotone, still staring at whatever he was staring at in front of him. Alec's voice cracked.

"Look at me, big brother," Izzy commanded.

Alec turned to face her.

"Oh, Alec," she said softly. Alec's face was pale, with dark circles under his eyes, as if he had not slept in days. "You look terrible," she chided. 

"Gee thanks," Alec muttered. Of course, leave it to Izzy to not mince words. 

They both sat there in silence, for what seemed like forever. 

"I decided to try to go home last night," Alec started slowly, still looking straight ahead into nothingness, "and the door to the loft was left ajar. Magnus wasn't even there..."

His voice trailed off. "I guess I thought he would always be home waiting for when I was finally ready to go home. Guess not..."

He put his head in his hands, feeling defeated.

After that, he had made his way back to the Institute, his mind in a fog of heartbreak.

He had not been able to sleep after that....

"The door was left open?!" Izzy was surprised. 

That didn't sound like Magnus at all.

Magnus was slipping, she thought.

_Just like Alec..._

"Man, you two were made for each other," she muttered.

Something had to give here.

Right then and there, she made a decision.

"Meet me at my room at 7pm tonight, and bring a nice outfit," she told Alec.

Alec looked at her questioningly for a second before nodding, then turning away again.

********

"Pandemonium?" Alec stated. "I'm hardly in the mood for a party."

Izzy looked at him.

"Um, hello," she started wryly.. "We are not going there to _party_, we are going to find the owner of Pandemonium."

"The owner? Why would we --," Alec began, and then wanted to kick himself for saying something so stupid.

Oh right, Magnus.

Damn, his sleep deprived brain was catching up with him.

"Ok," Alec relented, taking a deep breath. Ready or not, it was high time they talked. 

"Now dear brother," Izzy said, scrutinizing Alec's current outfit of worn grey sweater and jeans," you certainly cannot go like _that_. Didn't I tell you to bring an outfit over?!"

Alec looked at her blankly, and shrugged.

"You're hopeless," she sighed, not in an unloving tone of voice.

She went over and brought him in for a hug.

Alec stiffened, then melted against her warm embrace. No matter what, his sister and her hugs was always his safe place, ever since they were young. 

His whole body appeared to sigh against hers as she held him.

Izzy hummed. 

Maybe, after tonight, things will be ok, Izzy thought.

*******

"_Dios mio_," Raphael Santiago murmured, shaking his head as he glanced at the figure sitting at the far end of the bar, "You're lucky I'm here scoping out the place and keeping an eye on you."

It was the 5th night in a row that Magnus had been at Pandemonium in the past week and a half.

Magnus had been alternating between super highs and being moody.

Tonight it looked like one of the moody nights.

In front of him, there were twelve empty Martini glasses. 

The glum vibe surrounding the figure at present, contrasted greatly from earlier that afternoon, where Magnus had seemed to be animatedly chatting with the bartender and patrons around him. 

Well, at least from what Raphael surmised…he had not been close enough to the action to know for sure. 

It was an unspoken agreement between the two of them that they would run this club together, keep an eye out but not be in each other’s space. 

Of course, for those that didn't know Magnus personally, he appeared as the all-around socialite.

But for Raphael, who has known him for centuries, his exterior tonight was a thin veil, ready to shatter if approached the wrong way, or if someone had already figured out how to break down those walls. 

Raphael certainly knew how to do so, to get through to Magnus.

And so he had tried to get Magnus to talk the first few nights he had found him there.

Especially since he was wearing outfits -- _and that glitter on overdrive!_ \-- that suspiciously hinted that he was trying to forget something that had affected him personally. 

He didn't know the specifics, but he assumed it had to do with the Lightwood boy again.

The Nephilim.

Man, these Nephilims were always trouble, he thought wryly.

Capable enough of bringing down the defenses of the incorrigible High Warlock of Brooklyn...

_Bling!_ Went his text notifications on his phone.

Raphael glanced at the screen.

_ Incoming Message from_ Isabelle Lightwood.

"Is Magnus at Pandemonium? Alec was asking." it read.

Raphael paused, wondering if he should just ignore the message. 

He and Izzy were not exactly on the best of terms, especially after that incident at the apartment. 

He touched his right cheek, which still had a slight remnant of the punch Alec had thrown at him upon finding them both at his apartment, Izzy drunk on vampire venom.

In fact, he thought that Izzy would have ignored him completely after that incident, at least for a little while. Raphael really did care about her.

But at the moment, space was definitely best for them both...

_Bling!_ Went the phone again, interrupting his thoughts.

“We’re worried about Magnus. So if he is there, please let us know, so we can swing by,” the message read.

Raphael took a deep breath.

At least their hearts were in the right place, he thought, unable to turn away this chance of someone possibly getting through to Magnus. 

“He’s here.”

Upon hearing the text notification and glancing at her phone, Izzy looked up at Alec, grinning. “Jackpot,” she said happily. 

Her smile faded as she saw a look of trepidation on Alec’s face. 

“Just get it over with,” she suggested. “ You want to stop feeling like crap right? I bet he does too…and please stop fiddling with your hair and with the buttons of your shirt, you look great!” 

She swatted Alec’s fingers away from the open collar of his button down dark green shirt, of which Izzy had opened three buttons at his neck, and flipped the collar out.

Definitely not Alec’s usual style, and he felt uncomfortable, itching to flatten down the collar and close all the buttons.

Izzy had also styled Alec’s hair with some styling product so it was not nearly as unruly as his typical non-style hair. 

Alec had to admit, though, he did not _hate _the look tonight. 

A small grin escaped the side of his mouth. Izzy caught it, and her eyes twinkled.

“Ok, maneater, we are gonna go get your man tonight,” she stated gleefully. 

Alec’s grin disappeared, and Izzy became the recipient of the biggest Alec Lightwood eyeroll this side of the planet. 

“So overdramatic,” Izzy stated, rolling her eyes right back at him.

Her instincts had been correct, she thought, turning away to hide a smile.

She could already see signs of old Alec resurfacing. Of course, there was still a long way to go, given everything that had happened.

But that would come in time.

_Now to go fix what was currently broken._

*******

“Aww why you sitting here, alone, pretty boy?” a flirtatious deep voice stated. “Why don’t I buy you a drink?” 

Magnus oriented his attention to the handsome Djinn, who was leering at him appreciatively, taking in his glittery hair, fitted midnight blue blazer and black necklaces adorning a mesh cutout shirt. 

Even though he was indoors, Magnus had his mirrored aviators on. He was still somewhat recognizable to most of the regulars. However, he felt more hidden when he wore these.

He was definitely _not_ in the mood to be visible tonight.

“New around these parts?” Magnus replied sardonically, rolling his eyes, while trying not to yawn.

He was surprised that anyone would venture over to this far end of the bar.

Generally this part of the bar was more isolated than the area closer to the dance floor, where the main pickups occurred.

This part was more for those who wanted to drink alone, and didn't want to be disturbed. 

He knew the club was in good hands with Raphael and his security team, who always kept a good look out in all the spaces and many areas of the club, including the private ones. 

He looked at the Djinn closely, half out of contempt, half out of grudging admiration for his bravado.

Anyone who was familiar with him, the club, or the New York Downworld knew better than to attempt such foolishness. 

Even with the current sad situation that his life was in right now, everyone knew to steer clear, and knew better than to initiate certain situations – knowing who *he* was, knowing who Alec was, and their current relationship. 

Well, whatever was _left_ of said relationship. 

Ugh, just couldn't stop thinking about him, huh, Magnus thought, wincing as he grabbed his 4th Martini and downed it.

He closed his eyes and relished the burn that went down his throat, temporarily taking away the pain in his heart – a pain that has lingered since Alec had walked out of the loft.

How long had that been since?

He had practically lost count by this point. 

“Yea, you could say I’m not from this part of town,” the Djinn continued. “Why so glum? I can make your dreams come true,” he continued, flirtatiously. 

“Oh joy, my lucky day,” Magnus deadpanned sarcastically. 

Then he looked over at the empty glasses in front of him, and it made him feel melancholy. 

He shrugged, suddenly feeling a change of heart.

Why not? It’s not as if things could get any worse. 

He had been sitting here, in the same spot, for the last couple of days, might as well get some good conversation out of it.

“Sure, how about that drink?” he said.

........

“…so yea, people really need to be careful what they wish for, because I give them literally what they ask for ,” the Djinn roared with laughter. 

Magnus laughed along, and fist-bumped him. 

He was giddy by this point, feeling buzzed following his seventh – or was it eighth? -- Martini.

He did not even know anymore.

Magnus grinned, feeling a bit off-balance and leaned toward the Djinn.

“Yea, want me to top that?” Magnus slurred. “My boyfriend jumped off the roof almost two weeks ago, and I _saved_ him. Saved him! Brought him back up to the roof and everything. Did he appreciate me? No, he doesn’t want anything to do with me. We haven’t talked since.”

Suddenly Magnus felt a lump form in his throat, and his vision blurred. 

_Not here_, _not now!_ he thought desperately.

“Aww you poor baby,” sympathized the Djinn in a soft voice. 

Magnus’s vision blurred again for what seemed like a second.

He opened his eyes. 

Suddenly the Djinn’s face was_ thisclose_ to his. 

He was about to kiss him! 

Magnus immediately jerked backward, and fell off his chair, his aviators falling off his face.

Immediately two large werewolf-human security personnel, part of Pandemonium’s finest, had gotten hold of each of the Djinn’s muscular arms. 

The Djinn looked from one to the other in shock.

“Is everything alright, sir? Is this something we need to be concerned about, Mr. Bane?” the burlier one of the two asked.

He looked at the Djinn, and a snarl crept out from the corner of his mouth as his eyes flashed neon green. 

The other werewolf human’s eyes glowed a threatening neon green in response.

“I’m fine, Carlos,” Magnus murmured. “I fell over because I was too drunk---"

“Mr. Bane?” the Djinn stuttered. “_Magnus_ Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn?”

He stared at Magnus in shock, now that his aviators were off his face.

Immediately his face looked contrite. 

“Oh my god, I am so sorry, let me take my leave now,” he added, giving him an apologetic look. “I hope you enjoyed your drinks. It was a pleasure for me to buy them for you.” 

Magnus nodded, and then turned away. 

He felt all mixed inside. 

Had he inadvertently been sending out mixed signals due to his emotional conflict inside?

_And of course wearing these clothes don’t help one bit_, he thought.

Sigh. 

He missed Alec, **so** much.

A tear crept out from the corner of his eye. What **was** he doing here? And wearing these clothes? 

He missed just having regular days, with Alec. In their loft, enjoying one another. Living their lives together.

He really wanted those back.

A warm feeling flowed through him, even without him being consciously aware of it –

But to those who might have been watching him at that moment, it was the blue light emanating with his magic...

Magnus himself did not even notice; he just sighed and tossed back his 9th Martini, and stared out into space in front of him.

_He had not noticed that he had inadvertently magicked his clothing/outfit without realizing it. _

_The oversized black sweater that replaced his outfit was actually a light sweater Alec had left at the loft (one of his more cozy and favorite ones, Magnus loved wearing it on cool autumn evenings whenever Alec was out on patrol; it would make him feel closer to him), while his jeans were Magnus’s own, but a pair that Alec had formerly said he loved seeing on him_

_Also now his hair had become undone, his makeup completely magicked off -- just like now he would be if staying in for a comfy night at home._

_But what he **had** noticed, however, was that all of a sudden -- he felt like he was being enveloped in a big hug, even though it was not physical. _

_The sweater even smelled like Alec – but in his inebriated state, Magnus had not made that realization in his mind. _

_ He only knew that he now felt safe and secure. _

_He closed his eyes, and relished it for what it was worth. _

_ He felt the tears start to fall, and he made no effort to blink them back, or to wipe them away._

_*************** _

The giant sign PANDEMONIUM in neon lights beckoned as Alec and Izzy walked closer to the entrance.

Alec noticed a huge line of Downworlders, glamoured to look like handsome and beautiful Mundanes, along with the regular Mundies. 

Alec gulped, knowing that they were about to see Magnus ---

For the first time in *_days_*.

There were unfamiliar bouncers at the front, he noticed. 

He wondered where Carlos, Magnus’s most trusted henchman, was tonight.

Suddenly Raphael appeared in front of them.

Alec yelped, jumping at his sudden appearance.D Damn these vampire speed and reflexes, he thought.

Alec stiffened, remembering their last encounter. Then he side-eyed Isabelle, who was gazing at Raphael with longing. 

“Isabelle,” the vampire stated in a soft voice, just gazing at her. 

Izzy’s eyes teared up. 

No matter what, there would always be something between them. 

“Hi, Raphael,” she said softly, holding out both hands toward him. 

He did the same, and they held each other for a minute. 

Alec looked away, partly to give them privacy, partly because he still harbored slight resentment about Raphael’s part in Isabelle’s yin fen addiction.

Alec cleared his throat.

They pulled apart, and Raphael’s eyes bore no ill will as he turned to Alec.

“Alec,” he acknowledged. 

“Thank you for coming for Magnus. I’m a bit worried about him,” he stated quietly, concern overflowing in his eyes.

Blood started tearing out of the corners of his eyes. 

Alec, alarmed, placed his hand on his forearm for comfort.

Raphael looked down at where Alec’s hand was.

“Don’t worry, I’m going to go get him and bring him home,” Alec stated with conviction.

“Good,” Raphael stated. “He needs you. He’s by the quiet end of the bar.” 

Alec was still trying to reconcile how weird this situation was, with Raphael being unusually subdued. 

And not so snarky.

He nodded stiffly, then motioned to Izzy to follow him into the club.

The usual strobe lights and lasers overwhelmed their vision as they stepped over the threshold, and it took awhile for their eyes to adjust. 

Izzy gasped suddenly, which made Alec turn his head. She was looking in the direction of the quiet end of the bar. 

_Where Magnus was, _Alec’s mind registered, his eyes hungrily taking in the handsome man’s hair and outfit.

The aviator glasses – _which was so not like him_. 

His eyes also spotted the 7 empty Martini glasses on the table.

_Then_ the tall hulking presence of the handsome man sitting next to him and leaning into his personal space also registered. 

He was laughing, leaning in, Magnus was laughing, leaning in as well, as if sharing a private joke together. 

Alec's eyes narrowed, and he heard Izzy hiss. _Oh, is that why he was wearing those aviators? _Alec thought, rage starting to build up. _Was he actively** trying** to be incognito? So he could just go ahead and do things like this?_

He had a death grip on the stele hidden in his pocket, ready to activate his speed rune to jump over there at any moment.

“Alec.,” Izzy stated, noticing that her brother had a look on his face that she recognized all too well.

“Hold on.” Alec calmed down at the sound of her voice.

They noticed Magnus starting to sway a little bit in his chair.

Then the handsome hulky man really leaned in – _they were going to kiss!_

Oh that’s it, Alec thought angrily, about to jet over there to wreak havoc. 

Then that anger quickly dissipated as he watched Magnus flinch and jerk backwards in response, falling off his chair.

Simultaneously, he watched the henchmen arrive, including the one he knew – Carlos – manhandle the hulky guy. 

They all exchanged a few words, and then left with the guy.

Magnus looked about to collapse, as he slumped in his seat.

Alec was about to rush over to Magnus, but then a glowing blue light – Magnus’s magic – surrounded Magnus, giving him pause. 

He paused in his tracks, watching from afar. Isabelle gasped. “His clothing changed!” she stated. "And he's wearing...a sweater?! Hmm I don't think I've ever seen him wear one..."

Alec just stared. Magnus didn’t own a sweater.

"That’s _my_ sweater,” Alec said slowly, coming to a realization.

Izzy turned to look at him, eyebrows raised.

“He loves wearing my sweater,” he murmured, causing a nearly inaudible, "Awww," from Izzy.

She put her hand on his shoulder. 

“Oh, _Magnus_,” Alec breathed, tears filling his eyes. 

“C’mon, let’s go get him,” Izzy stated. 

They made their way across the club to where the huddled figure had his head in his hands.

"Magnus?" Alec whispered, touching him on the shoulder. 

"Wow, now I'm even hearing his voice," a broken sounding voice slurred, his head still covered by his hands. "Can you just go away? Please just go away. Let me die of a broken heart. Please...I just can't take it anymore." =

"Magnus, it's us. It's me, Izzy. Alec is here also. Please, we want to take you home," Izzy said gently, bringing her face close to his, so he could see her face more clearly.

Magnus lifted his head slightly; his hair was messy, and his face was streaked with tears with gaze unfocused, his glamour down, gold cat eyes on display.

Meanwhile, Alec had flinched and turned away as soon as he heard Magnus utter those words. 

He couldn’t take it, and was full-on sobbing now.

“Oh my god, Izzy. I should not have come,” he sobbed. He felt like his heart was breaking.

Izzy rolled her eyes.

“No, this is why you had to come, big brother,” she stated. “You both are suffering. Both of you are going home now for a long talk. I’m going to ask Raphael to help us with Magnus.”

Alec was too broken down to argue. 


	3. Chasing Beauty Amidst Imperfections

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A long overdue talk is finally going to occur...

Two weary Shadowhunters finally arrived in front of Magnus's loft. 

Having activated their speed rune back at Pandemonium, the run over to the loft had done Alec some good, as he had had the opportunity to slowly compose himself from his breakdown back at the club.

However, he just felt empty at the moment, and too much on edge, as if one little thing could set off his emotions again. 

_Zzipp!! _ Raphael suddenly appeared using his vamp speed, holding an unconscious Magnus in his arms.

"Man, did not remember you being _so _heavy, Papa," he muttered. 

He nearly dropped Magnus as he realized that the two Shadowhunters were already there. 

Alec felt Izzy put an arm on his shoulder, and he turned to her with a small smile.

"I'm okay," he reassured his sister, even as he bit his lip at the sight of Magnus.

"All that matters is that Magnus is home." 

He took a step toward Raphael, and Raphael took a step back tentatively, as if Alec posed some danger to him and Magnus.

Alec flinched, offended at the suggestion.

"Look," Raphael stated in a calm voice. "I'm not exactly sure what happened with you two. And we are not exactly the best of friends, not even close as acquaintances. But I won’t leave him on his own, with you -- unless I know you two are really going to work this out. I don't think Magnus deserves more heartbreak. Seeing him this week has been more than I can bear. If this keeps up, I will not be able to predict how I react to you the next time we meet."

As Raphael spoke, his fangs had slowly emerged, as if to place emphasis upon his words. 

Alec had just stared at the both of them as Raphael was giving that speech. 

Seeing how Magnus was, and knowing it was because of him, a strong resolve grew within him.

He _would_ take care of Magnus. 

He would make things right.

"I am going to set things right, Raphael," Alec said quietly. It is my fault Magnus is like this. But please believe me, I want to bring him into the loft, and take care of him. And then we will talk."

He gave the vampire an imploring look. 

Raphael considered his words, and then nodded. 

"Ok, Shadowhunter. I will trust you with him then." he said.

He and Alec came together to transfer Magnus into his arms. 

As Alec felt Magnus's familiar weight in his arms, a few memories of him holding Magnus flashed through his mind. 

How could they have gotten to this point? 

This was the man he loved, and he had let him down. 

He looked at Raphael and gave him a nod. 

Raphael nodded in return, and then seemed to stand awkwardly in place for a moment. 

It took Alec a moment to realize it was because Izzy was there also, and now they were both standing stiffly, a foot away from each other. 

"You two should talk as well," Alec stated. 

Both Izzy and Raphael threw him surprised doe-eyed looks.

"Thank you both for everything," he added. 

The smallest of smiles began to form on Raphael's face, and he turned to Izzy, whose eyes were shining. 

Alec could not help smiling also, and he acknowledged them both with a silent goodbye, as he turned and brought Magnus into the loft.

*****

Magnus had gone through so much this past week because of him; Alec decided that the warlock needed some TLC. 

He gently laid Magnus down on his bed, and gently started to undress him.

He tucked Magnus into bed. Then he went out of the room, and returned with some warm wet cloths.

Magnus's face was still a bit sweaty and stained with tears ----- and it could use a little refreshing. 

Alec then went to change out of his own clothing.

Afterward, he then sat down next to him, his arm around him, gazing at the warlock's calm, sleeping face for a second. 

He was suddenly reminded of the first time he had held Magnus, back when he had just healed Luke of the alpha's toxins.

Magnus was still just as beautiful now, as he was back then. 

He teared up as he thought about how tormented Magnus must have gotten this week to end up the way that he did. 

Sniffling, he could not help but to lean over, pressing a soft kiss to Magnus's perfect, upturned lips.

At that moment, Magnus's eyes slowly fluttered open, having felt the electric, warm tingle on his lips.

His heart almost cried, as familiarly beautiful, large hazel eyes came into view, fixated on him.

"Magnus," Alec whispered.

So it had not been a dream, Magnus thought, Alec *had* come looking for him at Pandemonium. And Izzy had been there as well.

"Alexander," he murmured. "I am so glad to see you. I missed you so very much."

"M-Magnus," Alec whispered, wiping his forehead with a cloth, "I need to say some things to you. I am so sorry..."

His voice choked toward the end of the sentence and he needed to stop to collect his thoughts.

"You don't need to apologize," Magnus murmured. "You are home now, with me. That's all that matters."

"But I _do_ need to," Alec said slowly, his resolve returning.

He was not going to allow Magnus to just dismiss his own feelings and needs, just to keep the peace. 

The warlock had a personality that made him prone to doing that, self-sacrificing himself to make everyone else around him feel better.

_Wait,_ Alec realized. _I do that. Or at least I used to do that for everyone around me._

Until he had met Magnus, he had lived for others, at the cost to himself. 

And here Magnus was, doing the same thing with him! 

Right then and there, he swore he would not end up such a burden to Magnus. 

They were going to talk this out, and he was going to apologize for taking Magnus for granted. 

However, he faltered as he opened his mouth, just as he was ready to talk.

“I just don’t know how to begin ---”

“You _jumped _off that ledge, Alexander,” Magnus stated quietly yet firmly.

His tone was such a departure from before, and laced with such hurt, that Alec shivered. “We had this talk before, the demon –”

“..only feeds upon what was already here,” Alec reitereated, finishing off the sentence.

An uncomfortable silence filled the room.

Then Alec got up and started pacing around nervously, incessantly running his fingers through his hair.

“Yes, I know, I know. I just didn’t want to admit it, to myself, to Izzy and Jace, especially to Clary, who was still trying to be nice to me, even though I killed Jocelyn. I was weak and that demon *possessed* me, Magnus – long enough to for me to kill Jocelyn. So weak…I even remember having to stand across from Clary, as the funeral rituals were being held, and how she had broken down, unable to state Jocelyn’s name. I was beside myself with tears. I suppose that’s how I became so vulnerable that night, hallucinating what Clary was saying to me, and somehow I ended up on that roof.”

“You _saved_ me that night, Magnus,” Alec said, his voice getting choked up. "And never properly thanked you." 

He swallowed hard. "I mean, yes, I mean we made love afterwards, but we never truly talked it out. Well, how could we? I was always trying to run away from this, from you wanting answers and discussion, everything,” he admitted.

“I was so selfish, not seeing what I was doing to you,” he whispered. “When I first saw you at the Institute that morning with that façade, I knew you were trying to escape your feelings, and my mind went crazy wondering _how_ you were doing so. Then Pandemonium with that guy…”

His voice broke, recalling his jealous yet self-blaming feelings, knowing he had driven Magnus to that state.

At this point, Magnus had stood up, and was reaching a hand out to him. “Alexander, I didn’t---”

“Wait,” Alec said, “I’m not finished yet.” 

He continued to pace around, as if trying to get out the words correctly.

“Right, I know you wouldn’t. Normally. And yet, if you had, even once this whole time, feeling the way that you did because I pushed you away, I would not have blamed you.” 

He looked down at his feet just then, steeling himself.

“So,” he choked out, “Was there at least one time that you did get carried away with someone, who was _there_ for you, when I wasn’t?”

He closed his eyes, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

Oh my god, Magnus thought, he felt like he deserved to be punished for how he reacted to all of this, for how he treated me.

_No, no one deserves that! _

He jumped up quickly, reaching for Alec and pulling him into a fierce kiss. 

Trying to put all his pentup emotions and desire into that one kiss, which Alec returned maddeningly. 

Both their souls seemed to sigh into the passionate kiss, which seemed to have been made much more intense due to their troubled time apart.

“Alexander, no, of course not!” Magnus exclaimed, holding Alec’s face in his hands as they broke apart and looking at him intently, his yellow cat eyes blazing gold. “That’s what I was trying to tell you. I would never do that to you! I lo---, I mean, you are my *heart*. I would not do that to you!” 

Magnus had nearly flinched during his vehement declaration, it had been on the tip of his tongue to say “I love you” without even thinking. 

Thank god he didn’t – the issue of immortality was still a sore subject that had not been thoroughly discussed by them.

"Love" would force them into unchartered territory, where they would then need to answer many difficult questions and issues -- topics that Magnus was not sure he could face right now, especially with current pressing matters at hand.

*****************

“I’m sure that being immortal, it is a bit easier to let go of feelings like this,” Alec stated later that evening. 

Magnus and Alec had settled in on the couch, once their initial highstrung emotions had calmed, and that the talk about Pandemonium had died down....

After all, no one wanted to think about the what-ifs regarding getting carried away.

But now the topic was on immortality. 

And that question had slipped from Alec’s lips. 

After all, immortals had many lives to live, and he was sure that feelings of depression and other extreme emotions could be forgotten in time. 

_All you needed was time, right?_

"You know, Alexander," Magnus stated slowly.

Then Magnus hesitated. 

Should he tell Alec about his history? he wondered.

He did not want to trigger him…

...but having some perspective _might_ benefit him, he decided.

"Being immortal does not make things easier. In fact, it can make you think that you are going to feel that way for the rest of eternity. There was one point in the 1870's, where I just felt like I could not take it anymore. I got as far as standing on the edge of Blackfriars Bridge. Camille found me and convinced me not to jump," Magnus said slowly. 

He shook his head, staring into space as he relived every moment of that low point in his life.

It was a deep dark place that he had not wanted to revisit again.

Heartache, though, would bring him _thisclose_ to that, and this time had not been an exception. 

He shivered.

"So that's why you feel indebted to her," Alec realized. "She saved your life." 

"Yes, and then she proceeded to cheat on me continuously and spend my money," Magnus stated ruefully. 

Alec put his arm around Magnus and brought him in to kiss him on the side of his head. 

Yes, they both knew how Camille was, and smart to her ways.

“Actually,” Magnus began slowly, ”I am very prone to these feelings. “And with time, which immortality does allow for, does help with burying things deep down inside. But that is never any good solution, as then it becomes unresolved. I have to admit that this time, things got pretty close to going over the edge.” 

He blinked, and looked at Alexander, who was staring at him with a horrified look on his face.

“I was heartbroken, and going downhill fast. I felt like I was losing you…a few more days of uncertainty and darkness, I am not sure what I would have done,” he confessed tearfully. 

“It scares me, the depth of my feelings for you,” he continued. “What I would endure. I have gone from hitting rock bottom to the extreme, where I would become so angry and vengeful that certain emotions could just take over. And I need to be extremely careful about that, since then it is easy for me to lose control. The problem with me is that I feel very deeply at all levels, and so if I end up depressed it would just seem like my immediate world is ending.” 

Magnus’s voice had trailed off at this last bit, and he was looking downward and to the side. 

He just looked so defeated and small.

Alec had been listening and watching Magnus speak, eloquently and passionately, even as he felt his heart aching. 

This man, the warlock, had become so important to him in such a short time. 

They were much more alike than he had initially thought.

No one saw him the way Magnus did…as a first priority, to love above anyone and anything else. The one who would sacrifice himself for him. 

As Magnus trailed off at the end of that speech, sounding despondent and hopeless, Alec had grabbed him in a tight embrace, pressing the warlock to him, showering his face with reassuring, loving kisses. 

Kissing his eyelids, kissing his high cheekbones, and his soft lips, his hands weaving themselves through Magnus’s wellstyled hair. Magnus reciprocating each action with loving humms and more lingering kisses.I

Inthat moment, Alec knew that he wanted to protect the warlock, his love, at all costs.

No matter how long they might have together, no matter if Magnus was immortal and that he might die one day. 

What mattered was that he was going to be here for *him*, to keep him from ever feeling this way again, if he could help it.

And in the name of the angel, he was going to help himself keep from ever getting this lost and depressed again.

_As long as they had each other, everything would be all right._

His mind idly wandered to a few years down the road to a distant future, foggy in his mind -- with him and Magnus still together, but questionable as to their status, since the Clave currently did not sanction or allow marriages between a Nephlim and a Downworlder.

Idly, he wondered curious if he had it within himself to eventually *change* those rules…

He snapped out of his reverie. Wow_, what had he been thinking?!? _

They had only started offically dating for a few months. 

Had he been actually contemplating how to have a future with Magnus?

Could he afford to feel that much, this soon?

_Could he afford not to?_

“M-Magnus, I love you,” he blurted out.

Wow, so there _it_ was.

_It was out there now_, Alec thought, slightly terrified. 

But he knew the words were true and honest. 

There was no taking it back, because he did not want to take them back. 

And there was no turning back.

He felt the warlock stiffen and freeze in his arms, and there was a minute or two of tension-filled silence.

The warlock’s body seemed to slump against his as he buried his head into the crook of his shoulder. 

“Alexander,” Magnus murmured. “You don’t have to do that. You don’t need to feel like you had to say that, in order to comfort me. I know you care about me deeply, about **us.** Out of all the ones I have been with, you have been the most pure and honest with your feelings. Love is a strong word -–”

“Well, that it may be. But I feel it, **here,**” Alec stated, pointing to his heart.

“You have been the main one supporting me and my goals, to believe in me above all else, and to place me first, even above your own needs. How could I feel _any_ less?” 

He had loosened his embrace so that now he was holding both of Magnus’ arms with his hands and gazing directly into his eyes as he spoke.

As Alec clarified things, he saw the glamour of Magnus’s eyes shiver, and then completely drop, showing his set of yellow cat eyes, which were now glistening with tears. 

“Please just accept me for who I am, strong words and all. All I know is that I love you. That is who I am today. And who I plan to be going forward. You are the number one in my heart. I feel alive because of you. You mean everything to me..." Alec stated with conviction, his eyes drowning in the emotions laid before him by Magnus’s cat eyes. 

Magnus’s lips were quivering slightly, as if he was holding back on emotions or even tears.

No one has ever told him that before, Magnus thought. Was it fair to be apprehensive, when the boy was laying it all down on the line, declaring his intentions for him?

Despite objections surfacing and making themselves known, coming from centuries of experiences, various relationships, memories of happiness, sadness, and pain, Magnus was a huge romantic and a big softy at heart. 

All he ever wanted was to_ be wanted by someone_. 

_And to be loved. _ _Oh, Alexander…_

“I love you too,” Magnus finally whispered.

To Alec’s heart, that had come out like rainbows and stars, bursting wide open. 

His face broke out into a huge smile, and he bent his head down to capture Magnus’s soft lips in a tender kiss.

For now, it seemed like they were sealing a promise to try do better by one another, going forward.


	4. Paying Due Respects

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At Magnus's suggestion, Alec goes to Jocelyns tombstone to pay his respects and reconcile his lingering feelings and emotions about the whole incident. 
> 
> Coincidentally, Clary also decides to show up at the same time...

On this cool autumn evening, Alec found himself standing in the graveyard in front of the New York Institute, staring at the tombstone with Jocelyn Fairchild’s name carved on it. 

Magnus had thought it would be a good idea for Alec to go visit Jocelyn’s final resting place, in order to get closure. Alec still had mixed feelings about this. But so far Magnus had been on point about things. And he knew that he had to do it at some point. And he had promised himself, _no more running away. _To keep from losing himself. To keep their relationship from getting lost, again. There was way too much to lose_, given all the promises they had made to one another to stay level and accountable, _And he intended to keep that promise.

So here he was. He imagined the slim, subdued yet fierce, poised woman with dark red hair and the firm stance, so unlike Clary’s wild-abandon vibe with free flowing wavy fire red locks who wore her heart on a sleeve. Unlike Clary, one could tell that Jocelyn had had many years of Shadowhunter training, on and off the battlefield. So much they could have learned from her, but then it was too late…He shook his head, to rid himself of the negative thoughts. What’s done is done, and now he was here to do other things…

“I’m sorry about how things happened, with you, me, and the demon that came into the Institute. This is not how I wanted things to end up. I had not wanted Clary to lose her mother, so soon after we had awakened you. I’m sorry that in your last moments, you saw my face and the last actions you experienced were of me piercing you through your heart. Even thought it was not my doing – I had not even known what was happening until the demon left me, and I was sitting on the floor in a daze, with your blood on my hands…” Alec shuddered at the horrible, vivid memory, and closed his eyes as his heart started beating wildly. It was all coming back in waves, the events of that fateful day. 

He took deep breaths of the cool autumn air in order to compose himself.

“Alec, you don’t need to apologize to her. Or to me.” a soft delicate voice spoke. Alec turned. Clary Fairchild was standing a few feet away, and had overheard him speaking.

“I know it was not your fault, by any means. Many were victims of the demon possession that day. You, Izzy. It did not have to do with how strong you thought you were. Demons don’t discriminate,” Clary stated.

Alec nodded. “Yes, something within me knew that. But when you are a Lightwood, and especially one that could never meet expectations of two perfectionist parents, of which now we know were on the wrong side of history, sometimes our brains are still wired to impossible standards, even in situations not within our control,” he stated, staring out into space.

“But still, your mom paid the price,” he stated. “I couldn’t stop feeling guilty, responsible ---”

“So much so,” Clary interjected indignantly, “that a demon played into those feelings, and then persuaded you to jump off Magnus’s rooftop!”

Alec was silent for a minute. “Yea,” he whispered. “That demon made me hallucinate, you were looking at me with such hate and disdain, telling me that you wished I was dead, instead of your mother. That I was causing you great pain, and that I needed to die too. A life for a life, quid pro quo.” He closed his eyes, remembering the words circling around and around in his head that night, which hypnotized him and left him thinking he had no other way out, except to jump. 

Clary just looked at him, horrified. “I had not known it was *that* bad,” she said slowly. “I didn’t even know there was any foul play involved, until you started rambling that you know I wished you were dead, instead of my mother.” Clary walked closer to Alec, and put his hand on his shoulder. “Alec, you need to know that I never blamed you. I never wished you had died instead of my mother. Alec nodded stiffly. He had needed to hear that, straight from her.

“And I meant to tell you sooner,” added Clary. “But you certainly did not make it easy.” Alec knew she had been referring to that time when she was attempting to speak with him in the office, and he had sidestepped the question due to his inner turmoil. Alec laughed sheepishly, “Yea I gave everyone a hard time, didn’t I?”

“It has certainly been a trying time, for all of us. Hasn’t it?” Clary said, letting out a sad sounding laugh.

“To say the least,” Alec responded, letting out a laugh as well. 

They both stood there, looking at Jocelyn’s tombstone.

“Man,” Clary said after awhile. “I guess we can add this to the growing list of miracle moments in life – having our worlds turned upside down, but us standing next to one another, having this civil conversation, this is just way too much for my brain to handle,” she added lightly. 

Alec felt a grin escape the side of his mouth. “Oh, you aren’t so bad,” he stated grudgingly.

Now it was Clary’s turn to gawk. “What?” she gasped, clutching her heart, feigning shock. “Who *are* you?” 

Wow, she thought, Magnus has definitely been a good influence on him, since they have been together. And she had noticed the changes in Alec since…he was happier, his eyes glowed, and he definitely smiled much more often these past few months. 

“Well, Jocelyn,” she heard Alec say, “We will do our best to make sure Clary becomes a great Shadowhunter. I know she’s definitely in good hands with Jace.” Clary beamed at his words. Alec turned to her. “If you let anyone know that I said nice things about you…”

“Oh, don’t worry, this secret stays amongst us,” Clary said in a mock whisper, indicating the immediate area, her gaze falling onto the tombstone in front of her. Alec laughed.

Tempting fate, she then linked arms with Alec, who for once did not flinch or shove her aside. “Ready to go back to the craziness?” she asked, referring to the Ops Center, which was always busy.

“Yea,” he said, looking down at her and grinning, before turning and walking back toward the Institute.


	5. Epilogue: In Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peace and resolution continue to bless Alec, in dreams later that night.

That night, Jocelyn came to Alec in his dreams. The vision was so real though, at first Alec had not been sure if he had awakened or not. Jocelyn was in all white, similar to the outfit she had been wearing during the funeral rites.

“Oh, this isn’t real,” Jocelyn said. “You are still sleeping.” Alec nodded affirmatively, but still had a look of confusion on his face.

“I definitely appreciate you taking Clary under your wing,” she continued. “And I wanted you to know that I do not blame you for what happened to me. The Shadow World is completely unpredictable. I mean, look at me. How odd that I should be one of the few to escape the Circle and Valentine’s reign…but then get killed by a demon who was possessing Shadowhunters left and right. What’s up with that?” she laughed. Alec smiled slightly, not wanting to laugh, for fear he would appear disrespectful. He was still slightly uncomfortable and shifted his weight from foot to foot.

“That’s why I’m glad Clary gets to learn from some of the best. She will need a good foundation in order to navigate the unpredictable missions that are thrown at her. She is definitely impulsive, but her heart is in the right place.” 

Jocelyn then gave Alec an appraising glance. “You are also much braver than you think. You are the first publicly gay Shadowhunter, and dating a Downworlder, no less. Luke and I, we had to hide our relationship – the only place we could be normal was in Mundane society – but yes hopefully the world will change, bit by bit. Never go back into hiding, and live life as you will.”

Alec couldn’t help smiling. “That’s kinda what Magnus said to me when we first met, or along those lines.” Jocelyn grinned. “Of course he *did*, that dastardly warlock. Anyway, you two seem to complement each other well. Traits for a lasting relationship. I have a great feeling about you two.” It seemed time for Jocelyn to leave, as she appeared to partially fade. She gave Alec one last nod before disappearing completely.

Alec suddenly sat up in bed, rubbing his eyes. The room was dark, with only the moonlight illuminating the bedroom. What a crazy dream, he thought. He noticed that Magnus was not in bed with him. Puzzled, he got out of bed and wandered into the living room. He noticed Magnus in his robe, sitting by the balcony. “Hey,” Alec said softly. Magnus turned, and gave him one of his adorable grins.

Alec headed over to him. “Couldn’t sleep?” he murmured, as he sat down and began nuzzling his ear while encircling Magnus by the waist. Sighing, Magnus leaned back against Alec, relishing his closeness and warmth. “You usually don’t have problems sleeping when we are together,” Alec murmured. 

“You are right about that, pup,” Magnus quipped, drawing a displeased snort from Alec. Magnus knew that Alec did not care for the pet name he had devised for him. Thus, Magnus now used it randomly, whenever he felt like being annoying. “Anyway I had a dream that Jocelyn came to me, that’s why I woke up. She was telling me to take care of Clary, and that I was doing great by you.”

Alec just looked at him. “Really?” he asked, amazed. “I just had a dream that Jocelyn came to me as well! Actually it was quite nice. She told me that she knew that I had nothing to do with her death, and she told me to take care of Clary. And of you as well.” 

He nipped at Magnus’s ear and giggled. “Because you are just *that* amazing,” he teased.

Magnus grinned. “Care to show me how amazing you are in bed?” he challenged.

Alec groaned. “Magnus! It’s like 3am in the morning! We need to get back to sleep!”

Magnus laughed. “Okay, okay,” he conceded in defeat. “But you owe me a *big* one. Make of that what you will, Shadowhunter,” he teased.

Alec rolled his eyes at him. “Okay, Magnus, whatever you say. Let’s go back to sleep, shall we?” 

The two lovers linked hands, leaned in for a sweet kiss, and together they walked back into the bedroom together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking it out with me until the end! :)


End file.
